Real Life and the Magic of Friendship By Krista J. Flint, manager of social marketing Developmental Disabilities Resource Centre of Calgary (DDRC) Relationships that develop into real and enduring friendships are the most profound expression of our deepest human quality. It’s the manifestation of the characteristics of freedom and esteem; it answers our soul’s most desperate yearning for connection to each other. As children we gravitate to others on the basis of proximity. Neighbourhood kids, fellow bus travellers, children of our parent’s friends provide a wealth of opportunity. There is little magic or chemistry in this equation - most often it happens because of a certain amount of intentionality. When we attend school and develop into young adults, we begin to decide for ourselves who we will seek out in our world, whose company we will cherish, which characteristics we crave connection to, and most importantly, which identity we will create for ourselves which will invite an intimacy that could blossom into friendship. As grown ups, friendships made when young often carry over into our adult life. These are the relationships we have nurtured, and which have witnessed and endured more changes in ourselves than we can often bear to acknowledge. If we are lucky (and do the type of work which brings people of like sensibilities together) we make friends in the workplace. Perhaps this is due to these production-oriented times in which we live: we find ourselves in our offices for as many hours in the day as we are at home with our families. The devastating reality for people with developmental disabilities who are deeply embedded in service delivery systems is that the natural ebb and flow of life passages (which facilitate friendships), has often been denied and has left people isolated and terribly alone. We are defined most significantly by our relationships with others. Unlike the families we are born into, friendships - those which are real and withstand our foibles - are completely of our own making. They belong to each of us alone. They reflect who we are, who we wish we were, and allow us to remember our value in the universe. Someone once said that “love and family is blind, but friendship, thankfully, closes its eyes.” I know I am worthy of goodness, grace and affection because I have those in my life whom I have chosen and whom have chosen me. What if that was not the case? What of lives which are defined by what is perceived as most broken, what most desperately appears to need fixing, and whose days exists in a world of supports, paid companionship, and within (in spite of best intentions) an environment which reenforces isolation and soul crushing loneliness. Friendship is a fickle flower. It needs tending and nurturing. The soil conditions need to be right, the light adequate but not glaring, and (a fact that is little known) it requires a sheer force of will. Things grow best in the wild. You only need to taste hot house tomatoes from cellophane and compare it to a field tomato still warm from the sun to understand the difference. At the Developmental Disabilities Resource Centre of Calgary, there is no shortage of committed and talented gardeners. DDRC’s Inclusive Schools Initiative supports Calgary schools to become places where children are drawn to each other because of what they like, and what they are good at. It has provided resources and strategies (to both curriculum and social structure) which can create warm and nurturing places for all of our children. DDRC’s Community Support Program and Community Living Network are tremendous examples of how the melding of proximity and intentionality are imperative in the magical equation of friendship. Community Resources Workers (CRWs) work diligently to help clients find themselves in places like their work lives, where they are most likely to develop relationships with coworkers and community members. The Community Living Network helps clients develop uniquely individualized living situations which reflect as broad a variety of instances as there are personalities. It is in these homes, full of the messiness of life, that real relationships are fostered. Real lives and real friendships happen here. They happen in high school classrooms and elementary gymnasiums, in offices, at the post office at tax time, in churches and in babysitting co-ops. The chemistry evolves in driveways between houses, and across children’s soccer fields, in art classes and at the YWCA. The soil is fertile here. It’s rich and it’s real, and it is warmed by the sun. You can get a tomato grown in a green house, but this one tastes so much better. Back to articles.

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